muni-muni

I got what I wanted, finally. What I waited for, for a very long time.

I’ve just been transferred to a position that gives due respect to the professional title I hold: environmental planner. I should feel happy and, after years of unending patience, maybe even vindicated.

But honestly, I can't say that I’m satisfied.

I wanted this, yes – three years ago. Things change in three years. The deepest shift being this: in my heart I know that it’s no longer my dream to be employed by an international firm with “pedigree” and a long history of success that I can count on; to stay here until retirement; to find professional pride and fulfilment in being one of the many wheels that keep this train chugging along.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Many people would love to do what I do, for all the right reasons. I can’t judge. Some people I admire and look up to have worked for this company longer than I have been alive, and it doesn’t seem like they’re complaining.

But see, they’re not me.

Am I too proud to say that I have bigger dreams than that? I don’t think so. What I feel is the strong belief that it can be done.

I’ve asked myself over and over if I deserve that bigger dream. I’ve doubted myself countless times.

But I’m over all the doubting now. I know I can do it. Actually I am already doing it, working towards that vision, albeit in small doses. As time goes by I feel more and more responsible to make the dream grow, to give it life. I need to keep that commitment not just for myself, but for others, and for the deeper “why” that I hold closest to my heart.

My only question is timing.

How much longer can I wait? Financial responsibilities, monthly bills, family obligations that I haven’t even begun to meet… Realizing the dream means giving up stability, possibly losing money, probably depending on already overstretched parents, making other people worry about my welfare. Is it irresponsible to “run from safety” now?

Or is it irresponsible not to?

blues-y

I want to spend my birthday alone this year. By that I mean a lot of time away from family, friends, loved one. I will be a stranger among strangers, hiding away in anonymity (as if hahabulin ng paparazzi haha).

I think I need this – to feel a sense of independence, to know for sure that I can be who I am without the usual people around me. To be honest, I’ve been craving for this for years. This desire to break away. I get it at random moments. I vividly remember a time when I was sitting in a jeepney on Buendia, and I wanted to literally fly through the window and just go far, far away. Of course I was stuck between office workers and men in sando until I alighted in front of RCBC, but I will never forget that feeling. That was me, on a cliff, wanting desperately – excitedly – to fly off the edge.

It's not that I'm unhappy. I actually find it hard to accept that at almost 27 years old and nearly married, I’m still looking for that part of myself that the universe hasn’t bestowed on me yet. I'm already so blessed, what is there to pine for? But I think I have to face the fact that the search for myself isn't over. I think I have to live with it, and keep moving forward.

these dreams

I had a dream last night, about J. Or I think that’s who it was, because it didn’t really look like him. But I know what I felt: “this is my ex.” Maybe the guy in the dream was a consolidation of all my past…men. Except that I only had one official past, and the others were just figments of my overactive imagination. But still.

I digress. It was a strange dream, like all dreams I have about my past in general (and there are quite a few).

We were in a public place. A bar? A party? Maybe. There were friends around. M was there, too, but on the other side of the room. Meanwhile, J sat across from me at a counter. So yeah maybe this was at a bar. Which is weird because I haven’t been to one in very a long time.

We were talking, and I felt like he was a friend. Completely benign. Completely genuine. And like friends who are close to you, he held my hand while we were talking.

I didn’t think anything of it until it was pointed out to me by another person in the group. I thought, “what’s the big deal?”

I retracted my hand anyway.

The next scene found me in a separate room (still at the party?) with M. Only he didn’t look exactly like M, but sort of him plus Rob that cutie guy from the current season Pinoy Big Brother. But I knew it was him and I knew we were okay.

Then I woke up.

I’m not sure what it means. I’ve just about given up trying to explain my dreams. I never really get anywhere. I just know that my sanity, reason, morality and basic sense go flying out the window every time.

Or maybe I should just stop watching PBB.

***
In other news, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I missed blogspot!

pathways

One more time (sorry Blogger, I've been neglecting you):

Pathways.

the best way to learn is to teach.

What a week this has been. To think it's only Wednesday.

Deadlines and missed deadlines, unexpected meetings, absences, doctor's visit, laaaaaaaaaate nights.

PLUS...I gave my first ever academic (?) lecture a couple of days ago. Yep. Me. Together with two colleagues, I've been asked to give a short (uber mega condensed) course on urban and regional planning to a group of architects. The very first lecture was one of the most nerve-wracking, stressful things I have ever done. It did not help that those architects are Mark's officemates. Talk about pressure.

But this -- teaching,  that is -- is unequivocally also one of the most fulfilling endeavors I have ever undertaken.  I've always (and often secretly) wanted to be a teacher. The problem was that I have always been the shy one, which everybody mistook for snobbish, sorry. I did try out, once upon a naive time, but I failed miserably because I could not get my words out.  

Years later, I'm finding out how...easy it could be. Not a walk in a park, to be sure, just easy in the sense that it could come so naturally. I'm actually surprised, because sometimes at home I can't even get a word in edgewise -- especially with mama! Tonight was Lecture/Module 2, and it took a bit longer to finish (Planning Theory, what do you expect?),  but I'm getting and more comfortable. Can't wait for the next one.

Len's right, it's like a drug. One of the best parts is thinking of ways to make the sessions interesting and fun.  That and seeing people engaged in discussion, participating, learning from one another. I really think that I thrive in an environment of constant learning, so to be able to facilitate that kind of activity is heaven for me.

If the universe permits, I would love to be able to do this for the rest of my life. Hear me out, U. :)

come on over

My few fans, hop on over to my wedding/whatever blog and my "serious" blog for more thrills.

No, I am not leaving blogger - I hold this sanctuary near and dear to my heart - but Wordpress works better in the office (hooray for wasted corporate hours) and it's kinda cool (blogger admin please don't delete my account or give me a virus out of spite, for I do love you). Anyhow, I might be cross-posting my entries, as soon as I know how (wonder when that will be, nuninu)

For "protected" posts, I'll give out the passwords when I'm ready. ;)

See you there. You know you love me. xoxo

Eraserheads: The Final Set

Impromptu. AS IN. Really wasn’t supposed to go anymore. A few days ago we had decided that if we didn’t get free passes to the concert, we would go to Intramuros instead for the World War II commemoration at Fort Santiago. Not sure why, maybe coz I felt like I couldn’t accept anything less than front row after the last concert hahaha, or nagi-guilty ako about the expenses. Plus the Intramuros event sounded really good (picnic and music and exhibits and such – geekdom yeesss. And Carlos Celdran was going to be there!).

By lunchtime Saturday, I had informed my friends that I couldn’t get the free tickets. So I thought that was that.

At 7pm, Mark and I were hanging out at PICC after a busy day of wedding preps (booked caterer and bridal car yey). Mark suddenly said, “Tara nood tayo.”

Who was I to object? Hahahaha. So calls were made, an ecstatic Camille was whisked to MOA by clueless Tito Sel (sikat ba yang Eheads na yan?”), and 10 minutes later I still could not believe we were driving to MOA. The traffic! The people! Will we make it? The countdown, we’re going to miss the first song! Whhhyyyyy did we decide to do this? Gaaaaah. On our way we got texts and calls from Len (already inside, dami na tao), Rhea (dining with Ajeet at Icebergs, already bought tickets), and Cherry (nagpapabili ng tickets, still in Cavite en route to Manila!). Was unable to contact Shiva, until finally I got through and learned she was in the theater watching Watchmen. Whuut?

I was in line for tickets at 15 past 7. Had them in my hands at 8:30. Soooooo many (restless) people were still queuing. All I could think was, malas. They were going to miss at least the first half. I sprinted to the concert grounds where Mark and Camille were waiting, outside Silver A. I learned I had already missed the first three songs. Bwiset. Get in, get in!

Then boom. Sea of people. You know when you’re assaulted by this mélange of sounds and sights and smells and you just go, whoa. But hey, this was it, we had to dive in. Grabe. Ang LAPIT namin - sa screen, hahahahaha! This was definitely not SVIP. Boo. I couldn’t even see the goddamn stage. Just people people people everywhere. We squeezed in, found a spot right beneath the screen (stiff neck ito), and stood our ground for the next two hours.

The vibe was definitely different – eons away – from the last concert. The last was so extremely tension-filled, everyone was holding their breath. This time, the four guys onstage seemed to tell us, hey, just chill.

And we did. We just enjoyed watching them have fun up there. They carried the mood throughout. It was so light and laidback I felt like I was at the UP Fair, kicking back and relishing the moment. When they went back after the encore performance and sang three more songs "for the road" everyone was like, "orayt, let's rock on." So relaxed. Good times.

The way they performed was also not just an acknowledgment of what they were as Ehaads, but of who they are now. Marcus taking the mic with his fun rendition of Huwag Mo Nang Itanong, and Raimund completely filling the stage for three songs (hmm, did not like his Alkohol as much), and all the other moments that made them shine individually that night told us that each of them has a full, complete life beyond the Eheads, and they look like they’re enjoying it. So should we.

And Ely and Raimund singing together, man…there is a friendship there, a bond, some form of connection or whatever you wish to call it - something that will endure, despite the difficult times, going separate ways, and the obvious fact that they can’t share a stage longer than two hours. Such a thrill. What a statement.

I felt so happy for them, for finally accepting that Eheads indeed was and still is part of history – Ely declaring “We are the Eraserheads” was truly a pivotal moment – and for embracing the love that their fans continue to give them. More importantly, for they way they’ve matured and moved forward and, even more importantly, for loving music the way they do.

It was a bittersweet symphony, an apt ending to a beautiful chapter in our interwoven, music-filled lives. Now it's time to flip the page.

I think that The Final Set was a lesson for all of us: to love them as Eheads, yes, but also to accept the journey that they are on today. It’s the same one we’re taking I guess, because we can’t be 15 forever. We’re all growing up, all moving on somehow, and coming into our own. It’s comforting to know we will always have their music – past, present, future – to take with us on the road. The Eheads will, after all, live forever.

...magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay-malay, na tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig nang tunay...

Parallel Universe 2

I guess what makes The Office work is that it’s so real. I keep saying this. Not because it’s made ‘documentary’ style, but because it is founded on some very basic, palpable truths.

Every office around the world is different. But somehow, the show managed to touch on what was the same. The writers based some of their stories on their experiences working for General Electric, and right there you can be sure that they didn’t just dream up the scenarios.

We’ve always known that commonplace is often funnier than complicated plotlines. Sometimes even Friends writers forgot this, and they ended up with an exhausting 30 minutes about Ross and his stupid monkey. The Office’s premises can be outrageous and amplified sometimes, but they get away with it because they treat it so matter-of-factly.

Funny is everyday life, seen from a certain vantage point (a single camera with great zoom, perhaps?). Funny is catching people’s reactions after an officemate’s emotional outburst. Not all reactions consist of an exaggerated frozen gape while the studio audience laughs. No one does that in real life anyway especially when a furrowed brow would be sufficient.

Everyday life is sad, poignant, heartwarming, bittersweet, awkward, sincere, and so many other things. The show captures this range of emotions so beautifully in such a simple way: just by watching the characters. In the foreground, background, to the side, wherever they are. They don’t even need to speak – because in reality sometimes our words belie how we really feel. The show understands that the devil is in the detail, and that the whole weight of an emotion can be seen literally in the blink of an eye, or a quiet sigh or a pause between sentences. The show delivers these subtleties and nuances perfectly. Props also to the actors who truly understand the material they’re working with. The characters of The Office are so well developed that during shooting the actors do their own stuff in the background for hours, with the single camera catching them only once in while, and they never miss a beat.

What can I say? I love the show. If you haven’t seen it then go grab a DVD. That’s what she said.

Parallel Universe

Last weekend, my Kris KringleMommy/Daddy (Secret Santa) gave me Seasons 1-3 of The Office (US). I haven’t slept since then. Solb na ako ngayong Pasko.

There are very few TV sitcoms that catch my attention. I grew up watching Friends and Cheers, so my standards have always been high hahaha. Comedy I think is the hardest to do; the writers have to be consistently brilliant. More than that, they have to know the difference between brilliant and crazy stupid. There’s a very thin line. If you don’t see that, you start to become self-absorbed, and the show basically implodes. I stopped watching Ally McBeal when its writers crossed that line.

That said, The Office is a brilliant show. I had my doubts when it first came out, seeing that the original UK version was so widely successful. But this tiny show about a mid-sized paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania shines all the way through, from Michael Scott’s antics, Pam and Jim’s romance, Dwight’s sucking up, and even Angela’s turtlenecks. I tried to catch as much as I could on cable, but until last weekend I hadn’t been able to watch the episodes in the right succession.

(This is going to be a long entry with at least two parts, so be prepared.)

One of the very few reasons why I go to work day in and day out is that I find highly entertaining the obvious parallelisms about my office and The Office. It amuses me no end. Sometime I catch myself smirking at the thought, only there’s no camera to look at when I do it, like Jim often does. I’m surveying my desk now and seeing Dwight’s bobble heads in the form of my miniature Cinderella statue, an elephant keychain, an Irishman magnet, a Matchbox Beetle and a stuffed Funshine Bear. My phone is a Cisco (imagine how thrilled I was when our MIS first brought the phones in. I have to say, though, it’s not the easiest thing to navigate. Pam’s a whiz at transferring calls).

I work for a branch of a multi-office company. With more than 70 offices worldwide, we’re a little bigger than Dunder Mifflin’s Northeast US-based company. But the structure is the same: regional office composed of a few local staff and headed by a local guy, once-in-a-blue-moon visits from corporate executives with whom we have conflicting views on how business is run, and very little budget. Our former receptionist had a secret office romance with one of our business development guys – I say former because they got married and left the country (wonder if that will happen to PB&J*). I have an officemate who pulls pranks on co-workers a lot, except he’s not tall and cute like Jim (hah! Sorry friend!). My cube mates and I play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses makes orange juice for the winner. I have become an expert OJ maker. We bet a lot over inane things like Tagalog-English translations and Harry Potter trivia. The loser usually serves the winner snacks for an entire week or buys coffee at Starbucks, except we don’t call it ‘Bucks like Michael Scott** does.

The layout of our office makes us open for attack by our boss. By attack I mean the way Michael swaggers in and makes pointless announcements to the entire staff in his booming voice. Most of the time he gets blank looks and the occasional “Uhh, okay.”

My desk faces a corner, so whenever our boss comes over, I always jump out of my skin because he surprises me from behind. I’m too lazy to swivel my chair to face him, so when we talk it’s like I’m talking to my PC monitor. Lack of respect? Possibly. He doesn’t seem to mind talking to the back of my head.

Sexism, racism, ageism and all kinds of bigotry? Check. Asshole boss who likes to crack humorless jokes, tells stripper and mistress stories at a table full of women and talks crass all the effin time? Check. The uptight accountant/admin officer who acts like a Nazi? Oh, and the boss who gets told off by bigger bosses from the head office, and takes it out on his staff like an immature, selfish, ignorant child. Or the staff who look at each other knowingly when the boss speaks nonsense, and afterward in a subtle, inside-joke way puts him in his place via a small remark and eye-rolling. Or the motivational meetings and workshops that take up the whole afternoon, and the expensive office dinners even when the entire company is in the process of downsizing.

The boss showing up at an after-office party to which he was intentionally not invited (you notice I make a lot of reference to the boss). The missent emails and careless comments about a gay officemate, emergency staff meetings about the broken printer and dirty toilet (conference room, everyone!), quitting your job and then returning, and your job being…just that. (Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. - Jim Halpert)

I could go on and on and on, but it all comes down to one thing. The Office is very real. As real as the list of phone line extensions taped to your PC, and your pink and green Post-it notes. As real as carpal tunnel syndrome, extended coffee breaks and solitaire on a slow day. As real as the annoying sound of tapping computer keys when you have a headache, or your very strong urge to hurl a shoe at a certain office door. Now I see the sheer genius behind the show’s mockumentary style – no canned laughter, no background music save for a constantly ringing phone and the occasional office karaoke. No predictable puns or storylines (Did I wake up this morning thinking I’d be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into. – Pam Beesly).

No frills. Just a regular day at The Office.

To be continued.

*PB&J aka Pam Beesly and Jim (Halpert), receptionist and sales associate, respectively. Also known as JAM (Jim+Pam). Jim hangs out at the reception desk all the time. I remember my officemate sitting by the reception desk all the time. I thought he was just bored. Well, that, too.

** Michael Scott, regional manager

THE MILLION HECTARE WALK 2008 - Haribon Foundation

The Million Hectare Walk is an event which aims to raise funds through pledges. Every lap completed by a Walker is sponsored by family and friends’ pledges. Walkers can take the long route (1.5 km) or the short route (360 meters).

You are cordially invited to walk with us on November 16 Sunday at 6:00-11:00 am to help restore our natural forests. Join the Million Hectare Walk at the Ninoy Aquino Parks and Wildlife Center in Quezon City and support ROAD* to 2020 as we walk to generate pledges to raise awareness and resources to restore one million hectares of our natural forests using native tree species by year 2020. Form a team to walk together, enlist family members and friends, and solicit pledges to support your laps to raise funds to plant more native trees.

Registration fees per walker at P250 for kids and for Haribon Members, and P300 for non-members, will cover a t-shirt and bag. Pledges start at P75. To register and/or for details, please call 4211213 or 4244642, 09228159235 or 09228151942, or email act@haribon.org.ph.

Download forms:
Registration form
Pledge form

Oh, and I might be bipolar.

another one of those nights

If you're an Aries, never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever marry another Aries. Ever.

:D

I had the best Halloween. Ever.

hay

Bourdain in Manila. Why was Juday there?

He also went to Cebu. Prolly ate lechon.

They said he got drunk on San Mig. Hahaha.

The episode will air in Asia in 2010. Anubah. Thank god for youtube!

Tony

Anthony Bourdain was in the Philippines last week.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I cannot believe I did not know this. I learned about it today when I checked Cafe Ysabel's website for their menus, and I saw a photo of him at the restaurant.

:(

dream sequence '08

I was riding a jeepney on the SLEX service road, presumably on my way home. For some reason I was in a conversation with a stranger, and again for some unknown reason it was very clear to me that he was Atenean. Maybe a jock, not sure. He had a huge torso. Anyway, the jeep finally stopped, and I found myself at the lobby of my old school, UP Manila. It was suddenly raining, very hard. The rain looked like sheets of water falling from the dark sky. Was it nighttime? It was dark everywhere.

I wanted desperately to get a ride home. I needed to go upstairs – I don’t know why but this seemed the way out – but I was extremely afraid. Like there were ghosts waiting for me somewhere in the dark. I saw Ms Jing, one of our consultants, and asked her to come upstairs with me. We did, and again for some reason I ended up in a sort of bay area for vehicles. It was still dark and raining, A jeepney stopped by and I jumped in.

I arrived home, finally. I looked into my parents’ room and saw my brother sleeping face down on the pillows. I went into another room and saw Edward Norton, circa American History X. Muscles and tattoos and all. He looked like a live version of grayscale magazine print ad, meaning he was a glossy gray color. He was sitting on one of the two beds in the room, writing furiously in what looked like a journal. He was writing about his mentally challenged brother. I moved away from him and went to the bathroom. The toilet was full of rust, and there was no water and no tissue. I went back to Edward’s spot and saw his brother instead. He was reading Edward’s journal. I thought, yikes, busted.

At that point I think I woke up. Very physically tired, and puffy-eyed.

Obviously, my strange dreams are back.

Kainis. I don’t like these dreams of mine. They seem so senseless. The thing is they’re not. I believe they do mean something.

But I don’t have anyone to help me interpret them. So hello, internet. Yes, not very reliable, but neither are the books on dreams proliferating in stores nowadays. And I was curious and impatient. I wanted to be placated and humored.

Anyway, since there’s no way to have my dream “analyzed” without paying a fee (and I never would), I resorted to pulling out key concepts and browsing through the “dream dictionary” for available definitions (very scientific hahaha). Thus:

(from petrix.com)

Road. Achievement of something. Direction. Ask yourself about your life's path.

Stranger. Outsider. Unknown. Mystery needs to be revealed.

Dark. Mystery. The unknown and unformed. A place of fear or of potential. Difficulties ahead.

School. Discipline. Instruction. You have the skills to resolve a problem.

Rain. Release. Feelings are pouring down on you.

Stairs. Up or down. Aspirations. Looking to get to certain point against all opposition.

Fear. Unexpressed love. Self-doubts. Courage.

Ghost. Spiritual aspect of self. Memory. Past coming back. Beware of enemies.

Vehicles. Transportation. Movement. Looking for a medium to get where you want to be.

Home. Center of being. Spiritual self. Shelter. Basic need fulfilled. Happiness within the family.

Bed. Retreat from activity. Rest.

Brother. Fellowship. Expect quarrels. Masculine aspect of self.

Sleeping. Relaxation and rest. Unconsciousness. False security.

Back (because it was my brother's back I saw). Misfortune in life and will die in misery (whaaaaaat?). Unconscious.

Bedroom. Changes in own affairs. Concealment of family secrets.

Writing. Communication. Review of your feelings. Record of experience.

Reading. Learning. Information revealed. Escape from reality. Something burdens you.

Rust. Deterioration. Inactivity. Problems that need to be taken care before it's too late.

So how about that? Does it make sense now? Except for the bits on the jeepney being the specific vehicle, Ateneo, Ms Jing and Edward Norton, the explanations have frightening potential.

Also, I ran across another term and remembered I’ve had several dreams (not this particular dream, though) about making pupu.

Defecation. Elimination. Dumping, especially of garbage from the past.

It seems I do more work dealing with my “issues” in my dreams than in real life.

pm break

16.27. I go to the office pantry to take a break from doing nothing. Iced coffee sounds nice. I check, no clean glasses. Ok, normal coffee then. Black No cream, lots of sugar. I sit on a stool by the window, enjoying the warm respite from my ultra-cold spot directly under the overhead AC. I look to my right, at the condiments all lined up neatly, courtesy of our utility guy who shares my surname. I think, given time, I could really finish that entire bottle of iodized salt.

Clouds move in and cover the light streaming into the window. An officemate walks in. “May tao (anyone inside)?” he asks, pointing to the bathroom beside the sink. I shake my head and smile. He goes in, probably wondering what I’m doing in the pantry. Because no one hangs out there alone unless he or she is waiting in line for the bathroom, right?

I say to myself, no one in this office really knows me. They “know” me – my name and what I do and the general perception of me, but not much else. They don’t know that I like to drink coffee black no cream with lots of sugar, or that I can spend an hour sitting and drinking coffee alone, staring at the sky. And surely they don’t know why.

There are probably two or three people here who do know me. They’re the only ones I’d actually consider inviting to my wedding. I think weddings not because I’m having one myself, but because as one grows older you realize it’s one of those events where you really think about who you want to surround yourself with, people who share your truest, deepest joy and understand the meaning of that special glitter in your eyes. Not just anyone. Not just because you’re obligated to tack that generic wedding invitation on the office bulletin board, and then guess who will actually be attending.

Two or three people are enough, maybe. But it goes to show how, despite the fun times, the laughter and the friendly bickering, talking about work and movies and politics, that the office is still such an impersonal, almost manufactured environment.

Except that I hear my officemate pissing in the bathroom, which is such a…personal matter.

Before he opens the door and is embarrassed at the sight of me, I stand up, place my cup in the sink and make my way through our red maze known as cubicles.

Back to my cold spot.

Back to looking like everyone else and thinking how f*cking delicious it would be to break free.

Who knows, maybe that’s what they’re thinking, too.

Homecomings, Conventions

You know you’re getting old when you look forward to ballroom dancing at graduate school reunions. Which is exactly how I was at the UP-School of Urban and Regional Planning (UP-SURP) Grand Alumni Homecoming. Given that I only graduated last year and I'm *only* 26, I shouldn’t have been as excited as, say, EnP Ted Encarnacion, one of SURP’s first ever graduates (batch ’69). But I was excited. I couldn’t help it! I had a blast. It was fun seeing classmates, professors and older alumni let their hair down and get jiggy with it! From Dr Bravo’s dyosa look, Sir Mel Luna’s electric dancing, to Jed’s wavy Harry-Potter-just-fought-Voldemort hair, Cherry with San Mig in hand (classic!), and everyone else laughing and enjoying, well, it was worth the wait. Oh and let us not forget the biggest revelation that night. Edison can dance! And how! He can whip up a mean swing number, my goodness. We will never hire a DI again!

The Homecoming was such a success that when I told Sir Tomi (president of our Alumni Association), "see you next year!" he answered in his typical endearing, flamboyant way, "no, see you in December!" An Alumni Christmas party? Indeed, see you all then!

For me, the event started way before the night itself. A couple of months earlier, Prof Jimenez and, subsequently, Dr Bravo ‘commissioned’ EnPraxis to produce the souvenir program for the event. I thought it would be a snap since I’ve had long experience in layout and publication.

Well it was, kind of, it’s just that it coincided with another souvenir program we were doing -- this time for the Philippine Institute of Environmental Planners (PIEP) National Convention, which was held a week before the Homecoming. Not to mention the other pre-Convention preparations i.e. follow-up of speakers and invitations to participants; tarpaulin, ID and logo designs; convention kits; powerpoint presentations; venue checks and food-tasting; and I have to mention it’s a good thing Ma’am Liza listened when I told her to get rid of that nasty-ugly styrofoam PIEP seal! Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Speaking of the Convention, that went down well, too. It was much better organized than the previous years' conventions (thanks in part to us hahaha), but it doesn't mean there weren't knots to be untied and kinks to be ironed out backstage. Photofinish pa rin in a way. But I'm glad the cool was kept. ;) We were happy to be there, if only to help take the load off Ma'am Liza and Ms Arlene.

I digress. So…between those two events, we were short of biting off more than we can chew. Before I knew it I was spending days in front of the computer, missing work and getting horribly sick. Not a day had passed after the Convention and we had already moved on to the next task. Two days before the Homecoming I was living off coffee and sleeping a mere 20 minutes. I also felt guilty for dragging Len, Chris, Edison, Vir and Lorenzo down this road with me hehe. Mark doesn’t count because he has no choice.

But I do think it paid off quite nicely. Like Len said, we have arrived (hmm, how many times have we arrived na ba? hahahahaha). It’s fun to be acknowledged for doing something nice. To be introduced to our peers in such a positive way. And the full-page ad in the Homecoming program sure doesn’t hurt hahaha. Ultimately, though, it feels great to have done something truly worthwhile, something you were passionate about and believed in. We do believe in our school and in our professional organization, and I’m glad we were able to contribute in some small way to the success of their much-awaited and labored-upon events.

I would do everything again in a heartbeat. But maybe not simultaneously! :o

*photos here. Len's takes on our fun "Oktoberfest" here.

random, but not really

I am tired. Simply tired. The past month has not been good to me. As the days and weeks went by, I kept feeling more and more alone. Except for Mark, reasons to push myself to the limit and be better and hopeful have becme harder to find.

Or maybe that’s the problem. I’d pushed myself so much I actually fell off.

But I don’t believe that, really. I won’t make excuses for myself or anyone and say ‘oh I worked too hard, I just need to relax.’ Everybody works hard. Everyone gets sleepless nights. Everyone forgets to eat at some point in the day and struggles to remember which of the things on his/her list has not been done yet.

No. Because I can be physically exhausted, sure. But I know how it is to be tired in a good, delicious way, like when you sink into a couch and think to yourself, it was back-breaking but hey, I did good and it was all worth it.

It doesn’t feel that way now – you know, worth it. Instead, it just feels all kinds of defeated.

The problem, I think, is the steadily creeping disappointment.

See, I’m not the person who gets angry at life. I rarely even get mad at my boyfriend, or most people, for that matter. I can debate until your tongue falls off but anger isn’t generally part of my program. I don’t get nasty either. I don’t wish other people ill. I rarely hold grudges. I don’t fire off.

But I get disappointed. Which, I believe, is far worse than any other negative emotion. Worse because it arises from expectation, from hope and faith. Worse because it fills you to the core, seeping into every crevice in your body, and leaving you not boiling in fury, but rather stoned in silent sadness. It dulls you, presses you against the earth, renders you immovable and listless.

I don’t think words are even enough to express the heaviness that I’m carrying now, this palpable weight that is just dragging me down.

***

How and where I am now can be no farther from how and where I was one year ago. And not in a good way.

Was I wrong to stick it out the way I did? To be stubborn and believe blindly that it could be done? Or was my mother right all along?

***

Why do I feel disappointed? With what, or with whom?

I can’t answer that. All I know is that a part of me wants to run far away, to disappear and rebuild myself. To see if I have something else to offer. Because to be frank I’ve given it all I’ve got, and still I came up close to empty.

***

I still believe in the things I believe in. I just don’t know who else does.

the whole problem with science

What physicists, religious critics and geeks like myself have been waiting for:

First beam in the LHC - accelerating science

A historic moment in the CERN Control Centre: the beam was successfully steered around the accelerator.

Geneva, 10 September 2008. The first beam in the Large Hadron Collider at CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research) was successfully steered around the full 27 kilometres of the world’s most powerful particle accelerator at 10h28 this morning. This historic event marks a key moment in the transition from over two decades of preparation to a new era of scientific discovery.

“It’s a fantastic moment,” said LHC project leader Lyn Evans, “we can now look forward to a new era of understanding about the origins and evolution of the universe.”

Read the rest of the article here.

Now if you actually read the article and had a slight nosebleed, Calvin has a simpler, thoughtful take on things (click to enlarge):


More Calvin wisdom:

(Calvin is standing behind a box with “SCIENTIFIC NAMES: $1.00” written on it):

Hobbes: "Scientific names?"

Calvin: "Sure. Scientists think up all these cool, wacky theories, but then give them dull, unimaginative names. For instance, scientists think space is full of mysterious, invisible mass, so, what do they call it??? Dark matter! DUUHHHHHH!!! I tell you, there’s a fortune to be made here!"

---

Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Ah, I miss Calvin and Hobbes. Someone buy me the book collection please.


Read more about CERN and the Large Hadron Collider. Check out the video, too.